Friday, I'm a Mom.

Today, I was referred to as The Meanest of my sibs, and therefore could attack and injure someone, basically on a whim. No basis for it, except that he has absorbed the venom that my sister spews. Why do people Insist on assuming the worst of me- with Zero evidence that I Am mean, or capable of harming others for any reason- or no reason. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to prove that Im worthy of being seen in a Positive way First. Im tired in a very deep, spiritual level. What if treating me like a villain- believing and sharing the belief with others- that I am worthy of their venom- fulfills a greater need within them? Some need that helps them in their own journey. Maybe My purpose on this earth is to be the target and to recieve their hate. I have things to do, today,so I need to not cry over this. I need to package my hurt feelings up with a bow, and go pretend. I am painting the fence, again.

everyonehasapurpose easy to hate behindthewhitepicketfence mean people suck

8 years of loyalty, consistency, dedication- erased. But it’s my own fault. Ffs, what is it about me that makes people decide I am just too Inconvenient to Bother.

In the dark- sitting with my Lila, as she goes through the process toward dying. I’ve known it would come to this- and she’s really hanging in…. But I am torn apart inside, anyhow. I still hold a tiny candle of hope that she will rally, and start to recover. But it’s realistically, not very realistic.

I’m spending my insomnia moments- awake and anxiety intense, despite taking the pill the docs said is an anti anxiety pill that will make me sleep…. - thinking what my future dementia will be like. I think it’s safe to say I’ll swear too much. Will I remember my boys? Will I inhabit times in my past? Will I find myself trapped in moments of child abuse, laying on the floor, face to carpet, engaged in self loathing, and bracing for blows that- hopefully- no one doles out upon a feeble old lady- and remain firmly in a memory. What are the chances that, as my memory fails, those memories will be deleted? That maybe, someday, I can finally be free of those shadows.